My New Invention

The last three times I have left the Wichita Public Library, the security alarm has gone off, and I am left standing at the door with a pile of books in my hands, waiting for the librarian to give me the OK to walk out the door. I wonder what would happen if instead I made a mad dash for my car. Would they send the security guard on a high speed chase over the $3 worth of books I bought at the Friends of the Library store?

The same thing happens at least once a month at either Borders and Barnes and Noble. I buy a stack of new books and music, start a friendly conversation with the employee during check out to disguise my identity as an undercover bookdealer, and they usually forget to run something over the de-magnetizing unit. I have started to expect that the alarm will go off. It doesn't really bother me, but I always find it humorous, and maybe a little bit sad, when an elderly lady gets caught in the crossfire of the security sensor alarm, and puts her hands up in the air like she has just been nabbed and filmed on America's Most Wanted.

My idea for an invention involves creating a security alarm that makes customers feel better about their shopping experience when they leave a bookstore, and less like a criminal. I would leave the regular security alarm intact, but initiate methods to ensure that a much lower rate of customers set off the alarm. The invention would be a separate alarm, more like an Ice Cream Truck jangle or the tune of Happy Birthday set to a low-pitched alarm, that went off either randomly or after every thousandth customer went through the door. That particular customer would then go back to the checkout counter, and instead of being patted down for contraband (has anyone ever been patted down for hiding books in cargo pants?), they would be given a $10 or $20 gift certificate. Surely, this would give customers a more pleasant experience walking out the door, and make everyone feel less like criminals and more like valued customers. I would think that the stores would see an increase in foot traffic as well, as bored teenagers and power walkers would be seen walking in and out of the store, waiting to set off the "Lucky Winner" alarm. Perhaps it would create too much of a backup at the door. But when would a retail store complain about too many people trying to come into the store?

While reading Jonathan Safran Foer's 2006 novel, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, I couldn't help but be amazed at the rate in which the book's main character Oskar comes up with inventions. Accurately described as a mixture of Harriet the Spy and Holden Caulfield, the boy wonder spends the majority of the novel on a scavenger hunt trying to locate the lock that fits the key which his father, a victim of the September 11 tragedy, has left him. Besides the hilarious and heartwarming adventures the young boy goes on, he has one of the more creative brains I have ever seen from a 9 year-old, or a novelist in his late twenties for that matter. A look at Safran Foer's already impressive resume (see aforementioned link to Wikipedia) might help explain this. For example, young Oskar invents

"a Nature Hike Anklet, which leaves a trail of bright yellow dye when you walk, so in case you get lost, you can find your way back. I also designed a set of wedding rings, where each one takes the pulse of the person wearing it and sends a signal to the other ring to flash red with each heartbeat." page 106

"a lever that could be on the front door, which would trigger a huge spoked wheel in the living room to turn against metal teeth that would hang down from the ceiling, so that it would play beautiful music, like maybe "Fixing a Hole" or "I Want to Tell You," and the apartment would be one huge music box." page 14

"As for the bracelet Mom wore to the funeral, what I did was I converted Dad's last voice message into Morse code, and I used sky-blue beads for silence, maroon beads for breaks between letters, violet beads for breaks between words, and long and short pieces of string between the beads for long and short beeps...She said it was the best gift she'd ever received." page 35

"A special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down..." page 38

It becomes apparent that the boy uses his imagination to escape the feelings he endures after his father's loss, but you grow to love Oskar for his lack of self-pity and adventurous spirit. The boy actually begins systematically tracking down every person in the phone book in New York City who might have an idea what the key is for. Although not as critically acclaimed as the author's first novel, Everything is Illuminated, Safran Foer will be an author I keep my eye on and collect for the remainder of his career.

My Safran Foer Signed Firsts, A Tongue Twister:


The other inventive author, who has been around a little longer and had a prolific publishing career, is actually a resident of my very own Wichita, Kansas. Albert Goldbarth, winner of two National Book Critics Circle Awards, has recently compiled a collection of poems spanning the last 35 years of his work. The collection is entitled The Kitchen Sink: New and Selected Poems: 1972-2007. The book is highly recommended for any students of poetry who do not mind putting their brains to use, as I find Goldbarth's poems difficult, but usually entertaining.

My favorite poem in the collection is also one of my favorite poems ever written, and is entitled "Library", a poem with an epic feel for bibliophiles, which describes in detail all the books on the authors shelf, or possibly all the books in Goldbarth's favorite bookshop, a few he wishes were, and one or two which may be on your shelf as well. The section of the poem which inspired this article reads,

"This is the book I pretended to read one day in the Perry-Castaneda Library browsing room, but really I was rapt in covert appreciation of someone in a slinky skirt that clung like kitchen plasticwrap. She squiggled near and pointed to the book. "It's upside-down," she said.

For the rest of the afternoon I was so flustered that when I finally left the library...this is the book, with its strip of magnetic-code tape, that I absentmindedly walked with through the security arch on the first day of its installation, becoming the first (though unintentional) light-fingered lifter of books to trigger the Perry-Castaneda alarm, which hadn't been fine-tuned as yet, and sounded even louder than the sirens I remember from grade-school air-raid drills, when the principal had us duck beneath our desks and cover our heads- as if gabled- with a book."

Other excerpts from the poem, which follows a relatively simple formula, include,
"This book saved my life."
"This is the book I lifted high over my head, intending to smash a roach in my girlfriend's bedroom; instead, my back unsprung, and I toppled painfully into her bead, where I stayed motionless for eight days."
"This book reveals the Secret Name of God, and so its author is on a death list."
(I presume Goldbarth may be referring to Salman Rushdie's controversial novel)
"This book is inside a computer now."
"This book taught me everything about sex."
"This book cost more than a seven-story chalet in the Tall Oaks subdivision."
"This book has a browned corsage pressed in it. I picked up both for a dime at the Goodwill."

While the majority of the poems in Goldbarth's repertoire are not as accessible as "Library", there is something to be learned from each of them, if you are willing to put in the effort. Where Goldbarth loses my interest sometimes is in all of the Science Fiction references he uses, but he always manages to pull me back with sexual, humorous, mysterious, and personal references, which are all part of a larger theme of explaining our role in the drama of the Cosmos. As a collector, I intend to track down all of Goldbarth's 29 plus books, and prominently display them on my bookshelf, awaiting the day when the author comes over to sign them after an enthusiastic game of Trivial Pursuit- The Books Edition. So far I'm about halfway through the collection.

I also have a secret desire to befriend Mr. Goldbarth, and to have him take me under his wing as an apprentice. We will eat sandwiches and have drinks at a local pub, and he will teach me all the secrets of writing and wooing women. Within months, I will be a nationally acclaimed author, and there will be a parade down Douglas Street in our honor. If only I were as good at writing as I am at selling the damn things. Like Safran Foer and Goldbarth, I sometimes let my imagination get the best of me. Unlike them, my most prominent publication has been in a high school literary magazine. It's time to get to work...

My Albert Goldbarth Collection, A Little More Than Half Complete:

Top 25 Albums of 2006, Finally: 5-1

5. Richard Julian "Slow New York"

The straightforward, heartfelt storyteller behind Norah Jones' Little Willies band releases his 4th studio album, an instant classic, to be played in every Starbucks in Manhattan for years to come. Slow New York proves you don't always need high-tech studio gadgetry to make a great album in this millenium. The title track, Photograph, and Cold Grey Sky are some of my personal favorites, but Damn is the standout track here.



4. TV On the Radio "Return to Cookie Mountain"

I was a little skeptical about this one, what with all the hype from their last album, along with it's strategic placement at the checkout line of Urban Outfitters and their being pigeonholed as Brooklyn's premier post-punk outfit. I thought Return to Cookie Mountain had potential to be this years biggest disappointment. I was wrong. Totally wrong. This album delivers the goods from start to finish. From the fragile falsetto on the opening track, the familar saxophone on "Hours", and the flat-out rockin' riff that runs through "Wolf Like Me" (which is coincidentally, a great track to put on your iPod while running) this album captivated me throughout, and I expect it will do the same to many fans of blues, jazz, punk, and rock as well. Let me also take a minute to disagree with the review on Amazon.com, which states that the song Province, "sort of sucks." The vocals on this track are amazing, even inspiring. Make sure to check out the 3 bonus tracks on the end of the album, with the final track having a real jazz-punk vibe which I hope to see more of from these guys in the future. Be wary, as this album may not be immediately pleasant and welcome to your fragile eardrums. It is one of those that will grow on you with time and repeated listens.



3. Junior Boys "So This is Goodbye"

My favorite electronic pop album of the year, and probably this decade. The Junior Boys are what would happen if the Postal Service went to graduate school and took a chemistry class from Depeche Mode, with Ferry Corsten as the graduate assistant. Listen to it, and then tell me you think I'm wrong. Synthetic beats abound, this album reminds me of what was fun about some budding electronic music in the 1980's, but a more mature and polished version, with intimate, not ridiculous, lyrics.



2. Band of Horses "Everything All The Time"

The best album to come out of Seattle since Nirvana's "Nevermind." There, I said it. Really, I just wanted to come up with an eye catching headline to this review. Truth is, I like this album more than Nevermind, but any respectable musical journalist would probably blacklist me for saying so. Seriously, if you can rock out like Nirvana did, that's one thing. But do it with feeling and without lithium, and throw in a few acoustic ballads here and there, and you've got a special place in my heart. Band of Horses mix electric, rock tunes with acoustic, folky tunes better than anyone I've heard since Dylan. Ok, I'm getting carried away, placing these guys in the rock and roll Hall-of-Fame after their first album, but the truth is, virtually the same lineup recorded 3 albums as Carissa's Weird to critical acclaim, but without commercial interest. I wish I could say I'd heard of these guys back then, but I hadn't, so I can only write about what I know of them.

Everything All The Time could be divided into two sides- The Electric Side, with tracks Wicked Gill, Our Swords (featuring the best bass line of 2006), The Funeral, The Great Salt Lake, and Weed Party. Side Two is the Acoustic Side, with Part One, I Go to The Barn, Monster, and St. Augustine. Each mode has its own feel, with the electric songs being playful (Weed Party), airy (The Great Salt Lake), catchy (The Funeral), and infinitely repeatable on your stereo (Our Swords). The acoustic mode is more thoughtful (Monster), spiritual (St. Augustine), and backwoods ala Jim James of My Morning Jacket (Part One and I Go to the Barn).

As a whole, the album easily approaches the masterpiece status. I have no doubt that I will be listening to Everything All The Time for many years to come. When I first heard their majestic sound, I certainly played it Everytime All The Time.

1. Justin Timberlake "FutureSex/Love Sounds"

I can not deny my true feelings for Justin any longer. He is the best in the business, the King of Pop. I have tried to hide behind stacks of obscure 60's soul LP's and my Yo La Tengo/Guided by Voices back catalogues, but the simple and unavoidalbe truth is this: Justin Timberlake is the man. While I regrettably never followed his career during his Mickey Mouse or NSync days, his solo debut "Justified", was probably my favorite CD of 2002. But I never would have told anyone back then. In fact, when any of my guy friends spotted the "Justified" CD I would immediately blurt out, "My sister bought me that gay CD for Christmas." I suppose I am just more comfortable with my masculinity/heterosexuality today, and have no shame in saying that I am a Justin Timberlake superfan. If my old-school, hardcore, straight-edge, punk buddies shun me for putting John Mayer in the top 25, they will probably want to kick my ass for putting JT at this year's No. 1 spot. Or at least force me to renounce my straight-edge DIY punk vows.

But there is no denying that this guy can sing. And dance. Have you seen the video for "My Love." It is ridiculous. He makes Usher look like it's amateur night at Chippendales. An appearance by T.I. assures that he will also continue to receive a ghetto pass for years to come. I'm not sure about his acting skills, but if he has half the talent on the big screen as he does on the dance floor I expect to see him in a feature film with Edward Norton and Kate Winslet in no time. Personally, I thought his performance in the banned SNL "Dick in a Box" skit was Emmy award worthy.

Let's give credit where credit is due and mention that Timbaland produced nearly the entire album, which nearly guarantees commercial success. But only the vocal stylings of the young Timberlake would make this album the overall success that it is. Yes, we've all heard "Sexyback" way too many times and we're all sick of it. But I don't think I'll ever grow tired of Timbaland's clever transition from Sexy Ladies/Let Me Talk To You into the verses, hook, and chorus on "My Love," no matter how long the radio airplay assault continues.

Love Stoned/I Think That She Knows is probably my favorite track or track/interlude of the album, of which there are several excellent ones. The most amazing part of this track is how it starts as a fun and thoughtless dance track into a guitar-based, dramatic confession of an obsessed lover, using the exact same lyrics, but with a much different feel, again to the credit of JT's ability to transition between commercial pop star and soulful crooner.

What Goes Around, at 7 minutes, is Timbaland's best contribution, with orchestral arrangements and ridiculously catchy beats taking over around the 5 and a half minute mark. Damn Girl is another classic, with a terrific blend of hip-hop and old school R&B (I'm pretty sure ODB is no longer alive, but that sure sounds like him), which recurs throughout the album. Tracks 9-12 are the most R&B, with Losing My Way, being the notable exception, and the most socially conscious song on the album. You would think that after all the club anthems and baby I love you so much, Losing My Way might seem out of place, but JT manages to pull off this thoughtful biography of a drug addict with unexpected grace, and with the help of a gospel choir.

The main criteria for being the #1 album of 2006 was spins on my stereo, and FutureSex/LoveSounds simply got the most. Actually, Band of Horses may have gotten more spins, but if I consider all the times I heard JT on the radio or at the club and didn't turn the dial or leave the dance floor, and secretly enjoyed the hell out of his music, it probably outnumbers all the other albums 2 to 1. So, my secret is out, write-in Justin Timberlake for President in 2008.

And for your viewing pleasure, my obsession with JT takes over unexpectedly and uncontrollably at halftime on the sidelines of an Ultimate Frisbee tournament: